i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
