I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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