Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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