Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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