Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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