And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
