I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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