remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
