no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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