theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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