pedialite and red bull = repair kit
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize