he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
porn star boner night. come get it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
