Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
