I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
