she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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