Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize