Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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