i need an iv and a liver transplant
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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