I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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