1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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