Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
