Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
