I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
