chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
