ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
