My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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