Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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