I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
