Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
