Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.