Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
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Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.