There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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