i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
