he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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