that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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