it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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