My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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