sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
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So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.