I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.