I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.