the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.