we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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