Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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