I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
