i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
