I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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