I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
