Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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