I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
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i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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