I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
