when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm passing your future prison.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
