You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have aggressive nipples.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He did a backflip because drugs
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
