I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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