dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
