Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
