You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
