I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
