Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
