Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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