I am spending my child support on dildos
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
