I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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